My mood has turned blue.

Aaaargh. Never, ever post under the influence of alcohol, drugs, tiredness or rage. Well, I'm posting under two out of the four. As it's not yet 2pm, lets assume that it isn't aclohol and drugs.....

I didn't sleep a wink last night as Brian left yesterday for a week. Yes, it's his turn and I get to stay home alone this time. It always takes me a few days to 'settle in' as I feel anxious about the kids and robbers and spies, oh my! Kids and robbers and spies! I know I'm a freak but I accepted that a long time ago. I still check they are breathing every night.....

I was such a grump this morning, shouting at poor wee Lucy as I clomped down the stairs, hair askew, eyes held open with matchsticks; it was warranted a little as she was still in her pjs playing Monopoly of all things but still. A friend very kindly offered to pick them up to take them to school for me so the last thing I wanted was for them to be late. After barking orders and making them stand in the rain hey, they did have hoods and umbrellas, I'm not that bad, looking out for Lyn, I waved them goodbye and came inside, feeling spaced and strangely dissatisfied; probably because I'd shouted at them. Sometimes, a quick kiss and hug doesn't make up for it.

My bones were still sore from Yoga, having missed it for a while, I felt exhausted and blue, and knew I had a busy day ahead. I curled up with a coffee instead and that was when Shona called. Happy to hear her voice, I was cheered but half way through talking to her, I broke down in stupid, pointless tears, much to her dismay. No reason, nothing to trigger it, just because. She called me back five minutes later and of course, I was fine...exhaustion has that effect on me unfortunately and it passes as quickly as it arrives so we chatted for half an hour.

Wandering back through to the living room, looking at all the cleaning, tidying and work I had to do, I opted instead to start cooking as I find it therapeutic. I have Anne and Karen coming over this evening and I want to make some lovely canapes and bread. Just as I finished the parma bundles more on that later the doorbell goes; it's Shona and her gorgeous wee lass with a vase of flowers for me and a beautiful white seashell photos to follow. How lovely.

Cheered once more, I set about making the bread and had just placed it to rise in the cupboard when the phone rang. It was the girl from swimming development; a farcical argument ensued, me trying to stay calm as I realise they had mucked up my schedule, her trying to passively aggressively imply that the phone call I received on Tuesday was a figment of my deranged imagination and my stomach starting to ache with it all. As I realised that their mistake was not going to be resolved in my favour, I tried to calm down, suggesting with a sigh that I may just cancel two out of three of the classes. She gleefully informs me that I probably won't get my money back.

That sent me down the spiral of the flaming angry pit and I asked to speak to the manager who was not available but "may call you back tomorrow, maybe Monday, depending on when I see him". Or when he comes out of the pub. Oh, how professional. Now, my stomach is seriously sore, I feel drained and also a little bad for my barely contained seething: no matter how passive aggressive she was, I should have stayed calm as she is only doing her job she could do it a whole lot better of course, with a bit of respect, sympathy and understanding but hey, what do I know, maybe she only gets paid £3.50 per hour, gets staplers thrown at her and has no benefits.

So, as I began to calm down after my rant...mini rant I'd say...I take a deep breath and smile. I need to pull myself together, get organised and take my own advice about being optimistic; there is a chicken in the oven, the bread is rising, my kids will be home in an hour and I can hug them and make up for earlier. I have lovely friends, the kind who bring me flowers when I feel blue and tired and two turning up tonight to keep me company with wine, blether and a laugh. How lucky am I?

Now, if I could just find that Zantac.........